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This never-ending winter needs to knock its stupid shit off right now

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Sure, it’s in the low 50s this afternoon in the DFW area but god damn it anyway.

This Texas winter has been so long and so cold and so full of unholy bullshit temperature swings (from 80 to 20 this weekend) that I sincerely am having trouble fathoming how those of you in The Snow Places have maintained any sort of happiness or will to live, let alone how you’ve avoided complete societal collapse or epidemic mass murder.

I know that if you live in Minnesota or on the East Coast or really anywhere besides Texas, California, or Florida right now you would like to mass-murder me for complaining down here from the relatively tropical Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex and I do not blame you. In fact that is rather my point. If I’m feeling so profoundly stabby and edgy and depressed by this winter, then I stand in awe of you up there in the frozen nether-lands who have not resorted to ritual killings and human sacrifice in a desperate effort to make the gods of winter knock it right the furk off already for christsakes.

Possibly I got soft by spending the last several winters in northern Italy and southern England, both places where it got chilly but rarely below freezing, and I saw snow maybe three times, and most of all the weather is steady there. Rupert Not His Real Name and I really noticed the stability of temperatures over there; a swing of 60 degrees in one day, or even of 40, would have been wholly unthinkable.

So maybe I got used to that, and found it most pleasant, and now that I’m back here for my first winter since 2008 it’s freaking me out unduly and I’m overreacting.

Maybe. Maybe. Or, maybe this winter is just some godforsaken bullcorn that sucks real bad.

So, I’m sorry for you guys where it’s the worst winter in decades and you haven’t seen green grass in months, where the schools have had so many snow days that you don’t love your children anymore and they might have to extend their school year a week or two into the summer, where your dogs are terrified to even go outside to pee and poo because their snouts might freeze and your back yard is nothing but a sea of yellow-and-brown snow by this point.

Hang in there. Glorious spring is coming and it will be the most welcomed and well-loved spring in a long time.

Meanwhile, here’s my happy new dog to try to make you smile and forget how much you want to hit winter in the balls with your cracked, frozen fists while you sob and ask God why this is all happening.


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